Call Her Mrs. Brittingtons!

It really has been a bad week for my dear friend Britney Spears! And yesterday it culminated with her losing custody to K-Fed? Who could have predicted this outcome? In a gesture of solidarity with the victim, I arrived in L.A. last night to fill the void in Britney's arms. It all would have gone swimmingly if she hadn't kept handing me off to her assistant so she could strip naked. I say! No one needs to see that!!! Later when she was driving me to the DMV so she could apply for a driver's licence, she forgot to put me in a cat carrier. I, of course, grew frantic and removed a large chunk of extensions with my claws. She reciprocated by force feeding me cheetos until my fur turned the colour of her skin.

Egad! Someone spike her frappuccino with Effexor!
Mr. Mittingtons

Mittingtons Traverses Time and Space!!!

Many of my old chums are constantly asking how I manage to be in both New York and Los Angeles simultaneously. The answer is a quite simple matter of quantum physics. You see, a few years back, while shopping at a jumble sale in Baraboo, Wisconsin, I came across a life-sized replica of a London Police Box. The retailer, a surly broad with mother of pearl lipstick and nineteen chins, informed me that she would not accept any less than $5.00 for the thing. I say! People have lost that rubbish-ridding spirit of yesteryear. I stuck to my guns at $2.00 and waited around until dusk. When the thing still hadn't sold the woman furled her furry lips and spat out her chaw with disgust. "Take it! Just take it, you filthy thing!"

I must assume that that her hip width had prohibited her from ever stepping inside of the thing. Once I got it home I opened the door to reveal a large, space-ship-like room. This was no Police Box! It was a genuine Tardis!!! Now I use it to traverse the globe in mere nano-seconds. No wonder I am in such demand!!!

Horace hears a Dr. Who

Rumer Has It...

I say! Since when did I become Hollywood's favorite escort? I was in the middle of a particularly vicious verb conjugation exercise Wednesday night when I received a frazzled phone call from the world's favorite fugly, Rumer Willis. It seems she had woken up from a robuttussin and blondisima fuelled night only to realize she had no one to grace her arm for the next night's festivities. I hesitatingly accepted her invitation. With Rumer, one is never sure where they will be dragged: the grand opening of the new In-And-Out in El Segundo or the table nearest the toilet at Les Deux. Always a grab bag.

To tell you the truth I have no idea where we ended up as I spent the whole time in the bathroom trying to pull my newly blonde mop from my head, strand by strand. Rumer, it seems, loves to match her date. I gave her Jay Leno's number, perhaps they would like to touch chins across the table at Cut.

Now blonde and balding,
Mittingtons

My New Look

My dear old chums, I know you have become enamored with my sublime way of dress, but lately my fashion choices have been making my slightly despondent. A tweed blazer again? Why not just stab me in the eye with a dirty syringe!?! And so it was just my luck this weekend that I happened across the photos from the new Sex and the City shoot. A new look was born! (that glowing mane is courtesy of Paris Hilton's new line of hair extensions and the deft weaving work of Rubio my Ecuadorian hair guru).

Hoping the honking hibiscus will score me an influx of brunch invites,
Horace

Kiefer's DUI makes Fox Frantic!

Deary Me! When the LAPD spied someone making an illegal u-turn late last night they were positive it was Britney Spears. Imagine their surprise when the tinted window rolled down to reveal Jack Bauer himself! Hopefully, for all involved, he was not panty-less.

As a result, yours truly, Mr. Mittingtons the third, received a frantic phone call from Fox execs this morning. Seems the network is worried about its smash hit 24 suffering the blow of what is Mr. Sutherland's 4th DUI charge. I say! If I am not chosen for the part of Jack Bauer I may just move back to L.A. and open a cab company. Obviously there is no competition!

3:42 pm
Lycee Francaise Computer Lab
Special Operative Mittingtons

Lycee Installs Special Side Door for Mittingtons!

Egad, those prying pappys are at it again. Their desperate daily storming of the Lycee Francais has ruffled quite a few feathers on the Upper East Side. In an effort to stave off the press, mon ecole has installed a special door just for yours truly! It even has the benefit of being located in the back alley where a nearby Sbarros illegally dumps its left over dough balls. The pre-school rat buffet is simply marvelous, although I have been forced to carry my own selection of condiments in my school satchel. I draw the line at three-day-old garlic sauce.

Ah mon amis! Mon tete simply swells with knowledge at this venerable institution. And all this time I thought I loathed the French but for their baking!

Au Revoir and Adieu
Monsieur Mittingtons

Mittingtons Mourns Marcel Marceau

May I please request a moment of silence for the master of eternal silence, Marcel Marceau. I don't think I've ever told you about my days on the miming circuit. I say! The world of quiet clownery is a cutthroat enterprise. You really have to watch your back or the competition will sneak up behind you and encase you in an invisible box making one's masterful miming appear as classless clown cliche!

Marcel was different. Marcel was all about camaraderie amongst busking buffoons. He could never quite understand why even mimes abhor mimes.

God Bless.

Mr. Mittingtons Attendez L'Ecole!

Bonjour mes amis et mon old chaps! Ah yes, it has been a harrowing summer vacation indeed. A non-stop "shit show" as the young people call it. I mean really!!! Who in their right mind plans a yachting trip with a cat?!? And then it was yours truly who got the beats when he almost clawed Zahara's eyes out when she tried to insist he go inner-tubing off the side of the boat. In a bonnet no less!

Never fear old chums! Mumsies dropped me off at the prestigious Lycee Francais in Manhattan yesterday. I have never been so happy, encased within the gleaming walls of academia! It is sure to be a glorious year!
Au Revoir,
Horace Mittingtons le Third

Mr. Mittingtons Returns... tomorrow!

Old Chaps and Chums! It is I, Horace Mittingtons! I am right sorry about the lack of gossip blowing through this blog of late! You see, Mumsies, ever worried I might be corrupted by the media, has locked me in a sensory deprivation tank for most of the week. I say! Actually, I can't say, or see, or hear or anything. I have delivered this particular message by tapping morse code on the side of the tank with one outstretched claw... luckily, my dear friend Mr. Pookingtons was by my side and able to transcribe.

Woof to you all,
Mr. Pookingtons

I Wanna Zig a Zig Ahhhhh!

My absolute favorite gaggle of girls is back! Although not quite girls anymore, more like women in their twilight years... but try to see past the wrinkles. Yes the Spice Girls are going back on tour! I would be sitting front row from LA to Buenos Aires were it not for the phone call I received this morning. You see, Melanie Brown a.k.a. Scary Spice, is a little worried she might not be able to get Eddie Murphy to babysit! So I have been called in as her understudy! What a jolly good treat!
Practicing my cartwheels,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Mittingtons Beats Lohan By A Whisker!

My athletic prowess was seriously challenged yesterday by an unrecognizably healthy Lohan! What you see here is a picture of the weekly Promises foot-race, to which I was invited for the benefit of the lurking paparazzi. True to her reputation, Lindsay played it mean. Before we even heard the starting gun she had somehow managed to tie my shoelaces together, not to mention the 6 times she tripped me, and her repeated literal ass kickings. Like I always say, concentration and patience win a race, and in the end it was I, Horace Mittingtons, who crossed the finish line first, earning an extra serving of mashed potatoes at dinner.

Take that tubby!
Horace

Mittingtons Miffed By Min Magazine Placement!

I must say, I was not even a little pleased to see that Suri Cruise somehow beat me to the top this week. Really! I will admit she is cute, but who would you rather cuddle? I find it irksome that I am suddenly counting my lucky stars that I even made it to the cover. What on earth has Tiger Woods' baby done? Does anyone even know its name? Its gender? I didn't think so. I just got off the phone with Kingston Rossdale, who til now has been a fore-runner of Hollywood cuteness. Let me tell you, he is more agitated than he was during last year's diaper rash fiasco.

Composing my letter to the editor,
Horace Jolie-Pitt

Nancy Grace Building Mini-Army of Self-Righteousness!

Yes, the she-demon is pregnant. If you weren't convinced of her other-worldly, or rather under-worldly, status before, maybe twins at 47 will sway you. And I'm not convinced it's just twins either. Nancy Grace may be the first woman in history to purposefully try to conceive a litter. All part of an evil plot involving a hidden lair I'm sure of it.

Shivering in my boots,
Horace

The Heiress Is Out Of The Bag!

Forgive me old chums if I am a little weary this morning, I was up very late last night, helping escort everyone's favorite inmate out of jail. Yes, she is out, as if you didn't know that already. I think the celebrity world must have felt a little darker last night, most every flashbulb and pappy poised for the money shot outside of Lynwood and her home. So put away your Free Paris paraphernalia, or better yet, cross out Paris and write Tom Sizemore as he will be trying his damnedest to plead down his 16 month sentence today.

Thinking I look mighty handsome in uniform,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Lack Of Gossip Sends Mittingtons Into Boredom Coma!

My Word! I just woke up in County General after falling into a boredom induced coma! I have little recollection of the incident, except to note that the majority of trouble makers are still locked up, be it in rehab or prison, and everyone else's Hanky Pankys seemed to stay firmly in place this weekend. There is nary a soul creating havoc in Africa, no lusty men commiting statutory rape ( Colin Farrell's new one is young, but at least 4 years past jail bait), and not a single soused starlet has even broken a nail in a DUI for days!

Egad! What is the world coming to?
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Larry King's Old Age Hunch Means He Doesn't Have To Stoop Too Far...

While Mums and Pops were spotted loitering outside of the Guggenheim in Bilbao this weekend, guess where I was? Why, dressed in a bonnet and being mercilessly pushed around in a pram by Zahara of course! I say! These people have a seemingly endless capacity to demean me!

On to more important news, someone has finally deigned to risk prison flu and interview the heiress herself. She is released tomorrow, so obviously every celeb-sploitation outlet in town was scrambling for the rights. Barbara Walters publicly declared the interview was beneath her. Lucklily for us, Larry King has hobbled up to the plate. Wednesday Night, be there or be forced to read about it on every blog in the universe and watch it in pieces on You Tube.

The above photo is from my as yet un-aired interview with the master. I do believe it was bumped because Jermajesty Jackson got his head stuck in a steering wheel, or some other such important news.

Too bad, the juicy tidbits were fascinating, as was King's containment of his Palsy-like shaking every time he heard the word Roll!
Horace

Maybe She Wouldn't Have Beaten Chachi Up!

I say! TMZ is reporting today that Liza Minelli and Scott Baio had a love connection!?! Sources say that somewhere between banging Pamela Anderson and Heather Locklear, Scott Baio found time for the former Sally Bowles. Perhaps his one taste of perfection has left him ever hoping for more. I mean the man actually made the beast with two backs with Liza with a Z!

Dumbfounded and Jealous,
Horace Mittingtons

Pick Me! Pick Me!

Hollywood Uber-stud Scott Baio has a problem. He is looking for love in all the wrong places. And so, the kind folks at VH1 have offered him his own love-finding fiasco. I have read it has something to do with lots of life-coaching. I say! What a waste of time! I know one mighty fine pussy who is ready and waiting to settle down with the man behind both Chachi and Charles!

Call me anytime Scotty Darling,
Horace

Mittingtons Hijacked By TomKat!

Oh please! These Hollywood types treat me like a cheap callgirl they can simply rent out by the hour! In an effort to win back some public affection by seeming a little less creepy than usual, TomKat have taken to the very public shores of Cannes ( a few weeks late, no?). And they have enlisted yours truly, Horace Mittingtons the Third, to help pose in their family tableaus. I say! As if I didn't have enough on my plate. And will someone tell that ridiculous man that I don't like swimming!?!? I am a cat for godsakes, not a selectively ignored adopted child!

Sunburnt, but full of expensive Foie Gras and Chablis,
Mr. Mittingtons

Sally Kirkland to Levitate Paris Outta Prison!

Some of you might remember Sally Kirkland as an up and coming young actress in films such as The Way We Were and Anna. Alas, the ravages of Hollywood sun and surgical malpractice have turned the once beautiful actress into a crazy old coot. Add the fact that she is not just a member, but a reverend, of the personality cult and religious corporation Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness, and what do you get? You get a woman who thinks Paris is hilariously brilliant and is willing to lead a protest to release her from jail. See here. I'm not sure where she found her protesters, although I'd hazard a guess that it wasn't at the gym...

Hoping Sally Kirkland adds a fetish for cats to her crazy resume,
Horace

Angelina's Newest Tattoo!

My adoring adoptress has added new ink to her growing collection! It was inked onto her body using a cat claw attached to a hammer by Filipino master tattooist Binky LaRue. I'm quite fond of it.... obviously. What do you think?

Lohan Backs Out, Mittingtons Backs In!

I was so rudely awoken from my slumber this morning by a frantic organizer from Pure Nightclub in Caesar's Palace. It seems Miss Lohan might actually have started taking her rehab seriously, deciding not to host a cocaine-fuelled douchebag-fest a few days after her release. Well, I say! Good for her! Unfortunately, someone needs to replace her as a host and it seems your's truly, Horace Mittingtons, is the Vegas go-to guy.

Anxiously awaiting donning my best party frock,
Horace

Mittingtons New Must Have Accessory!

Egad! When did I become such a fashion trend? Miss Victoria Beckham was stopped by airport security trying to smuggle me on to a plane in her oversized tote! I'm all for travelling with Posh n' Becks, but you would think with their incomes they could afford to buy me a seat of my own! I do not take kindly to the underside of the seat in front or the overhead compartment thank you very much.

Waiting for Mumsies to pick me up at LAX,
Horace Mittingtons

Prozac, Not Guns, Responsible For Columbine!

Ah dearest friends, where would we be without the psychaitric advice of alien-worshipping, Kirstie Alley adoring movie stars? I say! According to John Travolta I should be roaming the halls of some high school wearing a trench coat and ready to put a cap in the grade eight science teacher! Travolta is claiming that it wasn't guns that were the problem in the recent school massacres, but rather antidepressants. A thesis straight from Thetan, yes, but one that obviously made Marilyn Manson's record company very happy. All this time I was misled to thinking that it was a lack of prozac that caused people to get so depressed and angry they decided to kill their frenemies, and themselves. As of today I am flushing my prozac down the toilet and starting a fresh new regime of self-medication and vitamins....

Cleansed by Xenu,
Horace Mittingtons

Julia Roberts Births Baby Boy!

Cigars all round! Julia Roberts gave birth to a little itty baby boy today! Notice the resemblance to Danny Moder?

Jolie Exhibits Super-Human Strength!

The pappys shot this little number of me and mumsies and Zahara in New York this weekend. The trip was a total joy. Lots of time with mums, lots of prezzies. Everyone syas it shouldn't be possible for her to carry so much weight, when her body carries so little, but mumsies has arms of steel.

Je t'aime!
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Jon Stewart To Be New King Of Late Night?

NBC is currently in talks with Jon Stewart, reportedly to snag him for Jay Leno's spot on the Tonight Show when his Daily Show contract expires next year. Ostensibly this will cost the network gazillions as they will have to sever ties with Conan O'Brien who was slated to fill Jay's chair. I for one am cheering this idea on. Just look at me! A nearly shaved little pussy. I'm so happy!

Mr. Mittingtons

Rosie To Be New Barker???

Bob Barker, that demonic cat castrator, has named his fave for his replacement. No other than Miss Rosie O'Donnell. I'm all for it, I must say. Rosie could put the fire back in Plinko. And her cause is children, not the elimination of my species through cruel eugenics. I love it.

Still carefully guarding my crotch,
Mr. Mittingtons

Hail Be to Xenu! Tom Cruise To Become High Priest!

Ah, the heavens work in mysterious ways. Everyone's favourite Scientologist zealot has finally reached the highest level of clear... whatever in god's name that means. One thing it does mean is that his highness Tom Cruise can now perform weddings! As a high priest of Scientology! And so he might do just that, for friend James Packer's wedding. James Packer, in case you're knowledge of Aussie Billionaire offspring extends only as far as Lachlan Murdoch (if that), is the son of the late Kerry Packer. Mogul extraordinaire and confidente of Tom Cruise. Lucky devil!

For a full catalogue of the creepiness of Scientology you can't do better than Rolling Stone's expose on the subject here.

Awaiting my invite as flower cat,
Horace

Nicole Richie Baking A Bun?!?!?

You thought it wasn't humanly possible didn't you? A woman past the point of menstruation conceiving! But, according to that ever reliable source, Page 6, Miss Nicole Richie (soon to be Madden???) is with child. I say! And take a look at that fetus! Is it just me, or is Joel Madden going to be a very angry young man? Maybe he should start some lame-ass punk-style band to vent his frustrations.

Move over boys, Mittingtons is moving his way up the D-list,
Horace

Doogie Snaps Leg... Mittingtons To Blame!!!

I have a secret to tell all. I was slightly miffed that Doogie Howser scored the lead in the new Broadway version of Xanadu, a role I have coveted since first I saw the ethereal movie. And so I stealthily made my way into roller-skating practice and made a well-timed little kick. Now Neil Patrick is all laid up with a broken leg, and I am next in line for the throne. See you on Broadway Baby!

No one tell me to break a leg please,
Mr. Mittingtons

Mumsies On The Daily Show!

Mumsies made a lovely appearance with Jon Stewart last night. I tell you, if she wasn't my mother figure I might just have to seduce the woman! Don't you doubt for a second that I am up for the task! I say! We could have a stunning litter of our own... if only I still had my two old friends attached 'tween my legs.

Horace

Look What I Coughed Up!!!!

The very thought of having to write yet another piece of clap-trap hogwash about the heiress in prison was making me wretch this morning. I started hacking quite severely actually, which given my excessive tongue-bathing yesterday was not all that unexpected. Thinking I was about to expel an average hairball I moved quickly to the most expensive carpet in the house (designed by Frank Gehry, woven by bloody-fingered Pakistani 2 year olds). And look what came out!!! I have to think of it as a sign, some sort of terrible harbinger of plague. Or maybe I will simply think of it as immaculate wombat conception. His markings disturb me slightly, but I figure if we dress him up in a party dress and call him Smilde, he might make a nice addition to the family. Representing Oceania yo!

Looking for a pouch in which to carry my new friend,
Horace

Guarding Mess!

Lindsay Lohan's ex-bodyguard is writing a tell-all about the pop tart that will supposedly reveal all of the dirty things we already know and read about on a daily basis. I say! I think it is pretty darn impressive that a man with the stature of a bodyguard may also have the mind of a literary genius. Either that or their is a rather lucrative ghost writing job on the market. Perhaps I shall apply! I would be sure to spice the whole thing up with some tawdry Victorian-style erotica. It has been far too long since anyone has used the word quim in a biography.

Ready For Next Summers Must-Read,
Mr. Mittingtons

Angelina Bans Press, Mittingtons Not Amused!

Mumsies must be out of her mind. I think it has something to do with the fact that she only allows herself one bowl of rice gruel per gruelling day. Last night at her New York Premiere of A Mighty Heart, she banned the press from the red carpet! She also threatened to sue any reporters who dared ask tough questions. Not to mention the whole thing was supposedly a benefit for Reporters Without Borders. All ye who didn't take grade ten english please pull out your OEDs and look up irony now. This is the kind of irony Alanis Morrisette couldn't come up with, the real kind. I say! What a fiasco! And I ask you, why the hell did I bother getting up at 4 pm to press the creases from my Armani if no one was able to photograph it!?!?

Wondering If She's Finally Lost It,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Celebrity Designer Just Can't Keep His Hands To Himself!

Egad! Paris Hilton, Joe Francis, and Tom Sizemore better watch out, there's a new inmate in town! Celebrity Fashionista Anand Jon was just arrested, accused of 3 counts of commiting sexual assault with a minor in Texas. Read Here. As if the other 46 outstanding criminal accounts against him weren't enough to make him keep his hands to himself. I say! Actually, I have little to say about this man's tastelessly evil lack of self discipline. Perhaps having the tables turn on him in prison will show him the error of his ways.

Mr. Mittingtons

I'm Not Sure About You, But I'm Nancy Grace's Number 1 Fan!

O.J. Simpson,reeling off the near success of a never published book, is out in the press again, spewing his claptrap.Read Here. I say! What's all this about sensationalism regarding Paris Hilton? Doesn't this man realize he is basically responsible for all of the 24 hour news network hotheads that he so loathes? All I can say is thank god for O.J. and the Gulf War part 1 or we might not be so priviledged to have Tucker Carlson, Bill O'Reilly and Nancy Grace's opinions on life, liberty and the American Dream just a click away. And where would we be then? Eating bugs and living in caves. That's what I say.

Horace

Mittingtons Serves As Inspiration To Crazy White Ladies!

Few people realize back when socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein could still make public appearances without causing children to scream and the elderly to drop dead in fright that she and I were the best of friends. Everything was Tip-Top and Hunky Dory, until one day at Bloomingdales when a saleswoman referred to her as my mother. I say! All hell broke loose. She was determined to show me up, even if it meant stealing my face, piece by piece, for her own. She has been almost successful don't you think? The only thing left to do is have her probiscus smashed in with a sledge hammer. If she ever gets shit-bagged wasted on daquiris at the Pink Taco again like she did last night, I'll volunteer for the job!

Release me from these bionic arms,
Horace

Paris Priming to Play Ping Pong in Next Olympics!

Oh deary me! What a crying shame! Will someone please get this girl some moisturizer!?!?!?!?
Look at those arms, that chin! And obviously they have made her remove those extensions. Paris Hilton is surely going to the dogs in prison. But it's not all so bad. She has found God, realized she isn't as dumb as she acts, and discovered the magical sport of table tennis. And she decided to tell it all to the benevolent ears of Baba Wawa see clip.

Well, I look forward to playing a match with the heiress when she is released. What a larf it will be! She better work extra hard though, as I have never before informed her that I used to play the game with the Queen's own Buckingham Palace Table Tennis League!

Limbering up my wrists,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Nicole Richie Snorts It Like She Owns It!

I'm sorry I've been away from the old keypad all weekend old chums! Brangelina and brood were busy "Staying Home" all weekend, which means I was confined to a small box with air holes, through which terrible Maddox kept poking a dirty skewer stick. Blast!

Well, I have lots to catch up on today. The first thing that really caught my eye was Lindsay Lohan's former bodyguard dishing the dirt on Nicole Richie! I say! Did you know that Hollywood starlets were apt to do cocaine?!? And off a mirror in the living room no less! Blimey! And here I that oft escaping trace of white powder 'neath their noses was powdered milk they snorted for calcium.

Shocked and Awed,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Bringing Sexy Back... to Jail

Well, in case you haven't been inundating yourself with TMZ.com all morning as I have had no need to, Paris is headed back to the slammer. I was given the very special task of wheeling her there, as she refused to walk claiming that her medical issues prevented it. Since when do depression and/or herpes cause loss of mobility? I say! What a lazy arse! Anyway, here I am taking her back to jail under the watchful eye of prosecuter Rocky Delgadillo!
What do you think of my outfit? It took me hours to choose!

Wheeling on to the Twin Towers correctional facility!
Horace Mittingtons

Hilton Cuffed and In Custody!

Here is the footage of me throwing the heiress's ass into the squad car. Notice how I always stop to pose for the paparazzi, even if they are in a hovering helicopter? I'm just good like that, I know who my fans are. Notice Paris is not doing the same thing? Shame on her. I was later reprimanded for my rough treatment and tough talking. I'm on the side of the law, what can I say?

Paris Hilton released due to Herpes???

Yes dear friends, according to my favorite gossip maven Lainey, Paris may have been released from prison due to a massive Herpes flare-up caused by stress. For those of you fortunate enough to have dodged that particular bullet in your sex-less lives, let me tell you. OOOOUCH. I still remember the blistering sores I acquired in Myanmar (then Burma) in 1962, a little stray minx I found behind a dumpster was to blame. Ah but it was worth it, the memories ease the pain.

Mittingtons Waiting Outside Paris's House!

Breaking news! My dear friends at the L.A.P.D. have called me down to wait with them in front of the house of the heiress for her to be hauled back into court. I am expected to play the bad cop role, as no one in their right mind on this particular police force wants to do this anymore.

What I do for the sake of gossip
Horace Mittingtons

Call Me McFurry!

Well, Isaiah Washington has officially been sacked from Grey's Anatomy! So who should call your's truly, Horace Mittingtons, but the show's creator Shonda Rimes. Seems they are looking for someone with a little more of a feline quality to fill the shoes of Doctor Burke. They are even going to bring back Chris O'Donnell aka McVet to reprise his role, and double as my doctor! I think my character might come down with feline AIDS during the sweeps.

See you in September!
Mr.. Mittingtons

Booze Powder Makes Mess of Mittingtons!

Oh Dear Lord! What will they think of next? A group of Dutch students has invented powdered alcohol, which can be legally sold to minors, and, incidentally, cats. I decided to take the stuff for a test run. I mixed up a good lot of the powder with some frozen, from concentrate, Hawaiian Punch. I believe they usually call this concoction a Planter's Punch but I vote that it should be re-christened Punch Horace in the Face! Egad! My head is pounding, and I woke up with a strange tattoo on my left buttock! Luckily I usually keep my posterior hair-covered, or I would be in for quite a lot of embarassment.

No, my face isn't squished because I fell on it,
Horace Mittingtons

Ball Buster Retires!

Finally! After 35 years of his evil television regime, cat castration's biggest advocate, Bob Barker, retired. So many of my bretheren have fallen victim to the scalpel and the bucket-head because of this fanatical preacher. And so I found myself shedding a tear of joy as he bid adieu yesterday morning. I must say I will miss his savvy Plinko commentary though.

Still feeling phantom testicles after 50 years,
Mr. Mittingtons

Paris Sprung from the Joint!

You may have noticed I was not blogging a lot yesterday. It was a very busy day, nary a moment to spend screenside! You see Paris Hilton was released from prison after serving 3 days of her 23 day sentence. The official story
is medical reasons. And as yours truly, Mr. Mittingtons, was the one called in for his expertise, I can vouch for that, if medical reasons include prison's unfabulousness, feigned suicidal thoughts and an extreme need for a stiff drink. Ms. Hilton is desperately ill. We wheeled her out of the prison on a gurney and immediately hooked her up to an iv of vodka, red bull and percocet.

Paris is now under house arrest, she will not be allowed to leave the 100 room homestead of her parents for 40 days! And she has to wear a horrendously bulky ankle bracelet, the un-hipness of which is already making her despondant. I tell you, someone should get Marc Jacobs in to redesign these things!

Nurse Mittingtons

Aniston! Hiss!

My word! Will Jennifer Aniston stop at nothing to get her mug on the rags? My sources inform me that she has been spreading word around the taco bars of Malibu that she and I are dating! Have you ever heard a more ridiculous yarn? Well, I have, from my Grandfather, the Late Horace Mittingtons the first, but he was cursed with feline dementia and so it was forgivable. Perhaps Ms. Aniston is suffering from the same fate? I'll know for sure if she soon starts walking in circles and missing the litter box. Lord almighty, I feel as sullied as a used tissue.

Reeling from rumours,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Mittingtons Comforts Sobby Simpson!

Yes friends, you heard correctly. John Mayer and Jessica Simpson have broken up again. I don't really care for the pop tart all that much, I find her rather babbling and insipid, but I did feel the need to take a few minutes from my busy schedule to cuddle up with her. Everyone likes a cuddly kitty, Simpson is no exception. Next on my list Laurie David and Kate Hudson. My, my! What is it about June and break-ups? I'm just hoping mumsies and pops manage to stick it out!

Tally Ho
Horace Mittingtons

Posh Camel Toe Traumatizes Mittingtons!

Egad! What in the name of everything that is good and wholesome is that monstrosity??? It looks like you could use it to hold your rhinestone clutch, should you need to free up your hands to accentuate your sublimely starved waist.
I don't care how badly you need the attention Posh, no one wants to see that!

As for why I am dressed as Macauley Culkin... well someone had to detract from Ms. Victoria Beckham's panty swallower.

Mr. Mittingtons

Tom Sizemore Arrested!

Dear friends, Tom Sizemore got arrested this morning.
Which goes to show you that my prayers are never answered!
Something about cats not being worthy of religion or some other namby-pamby claptrap! The venerated thespian behind such classic films as Passenger 57 and Paparazzi is now behind bars awaiting further instruction. All because of some methamphetamine and non-prescribed prescriptions!?!? What on earth is Holly wood coming to?

Yours in utter disbelief,
Horace Mittingtons the Third