Paula Abdul's Nose Broken By Chihuahuan Scum!

Many people don't know of my many successes in the world of dance. I have soft-shoed my way across all the stages of Broadway and Drury Lane in my day, but my favorite had to be the time I spent with Dance Wunderkind Paula Abdul. How we danced! And how we drank. Paula prefers Pinot Noir and Pimms, a drink I call the Bloody British Bastard.

That is why I am saddened to announce that Paula has flattened her pretty probiscus by tripping over the leashes of her terrible little mutts! My condolences Paula! I do hope you'll make it to the Kodak Theatre tonight to see Jordin and Blake duke it out. Without you I fear that American Idol may run the risk of crossing over into low-brow mainstream entertainment.