Mr. Mittingtons

Call Her Mrs. Brittingtons!

2007-10-02T08:56:00.001-07:00

It really has been a bad week for my dear friend Britney Spears! And yesterday it culminated with her losing custody to K-Fed? Who could have predicted this outcome? In a gesture of solidarity with the victim, I arrived in L.A. last night to fill the void in Britney's arms. It all would have gone swimmingly if she hadn't kept handing me off to her assistant so she could strip naked. I say! No one needs to see that!!! Later when she was driving me to the DMV so she could apply for a driver's licence, she forgot to put me in a cat carrier. I, of course, grew frantic and removed a large chunk of extensions with my claws. She reciprocated by force feeding me cheetos until my fur turned the colour of her skin.

Egad! Someone spike her frappuccino with Effexor!
Mr. Mittingtons

Mittingtons Traverses Time and Space!!!

2007-09-28T13:46:00.000-07:00

Many of my old chums are constantly asking how I manage to be in both New York and Los Angeles simultaneously. The answer is a quite simple matter of quantum physics. You see, a few years back, while shopping at a jumble sale in Baraboo, Wisconsin, I came across a life-sized replica of a London Police Box. The retailer, a surly broad with mother of pearl lipstick and nineteen chins, informed me that she would not accept any less than $5.00 for the thing. I say! People have lost that rubbish-ridding spirit of yesteryear. I stuck to my guns at $2.00 and waited around until dusk. When the thing still hadn't sold the woman furled her furry lips and spat out her chaw with disgust. "Take it! Just take it, you filthy thing!"

I must assume that that her hip width had prohibited her from ever stepping inside of the thing. Once I got it home I opened the door to reveal a large, space-ship-like room. This was no Police Box! It was a genuine Tardis!!! Now I use it to traverse the globe in mere nano-seconds. No wonder I am in such demand!!!

Horace hears a Dr. Who

Rumer Has It...

2007-09-28T12:55:00.000-07:00

I say! Since when did I become Hollywood's favorite escort? I was in the middle of a particularly vicious verb conjugation exercise Wednesday night when I received a frazzled phone call from the world's favorite fugly, Rumer Willis. It seems she had woken up from a robuttussin and blondisima fuelled night only to realize she had no one to grace her arm for the next night's festivities. I hesitatingly accepted her invitation. With Rumer, one is never sure where they will be dragged: the grand opening of the new In-And-Out in El Segundo or the table nearest the toilet at Les Deux. Always a grab bag.

To tell you the truth I have no idea where we ended up as I spent the whole time in the bathroom trying to pull my newly blonde mop from my head, strand by strand. Rumer, it seems, loves to match her date. I gave her Jay Leno's number, perhaps they would like to touch chins across the table at Cut.

Now blonde and balding,
Mittingtons

My New Look

2007-09-25T14:03:00.001-07:00

My dear old chums, I know you have become enamored with my sublime way of dress, but lately my fashion choices have been making my slightly despondent. A tweed blazer again? Why not just stab me in the eye with a dirty syringe!?! And so it was just my luck this weekend that I happened across the photos from the new Sex and the City shoot. A new look was born! (that glowing mane is courtesy of Paris Hilton's new line of hair extensions and the deft weaving work of Rubio my Ecuadorian hair guru).

Hoping the honking hibiscus will score me an influx of brunch invites,
Horace

Kiefer's DUI makes Fox Frantic!

2007-09-25T13:45:00.001-07:00

Deary Me! When the LAPD spied someone making an illegal u-turn late last night they were positive it was Britney Spears. Imagine their surprise when the tinted window rolled down to reveal Jack Bauer himself! Hopefully, for all involved, he was not panty-less.

As a result, yours truly, Mr. Mittingtons the third, received a frantic phone call from Fox execs this morning. Seems the network is worried about its smash hit 24 suffering the blow of what is Mr. Sutherland's 4th DUI charge. I say! If I am not chosen for the part of Jack Bauer I may just move back to L.A. and open a cab company. Obviously there is no competition!

3:42 pm
Lycee Francaise Computer Lab
Special Operative Mittingtons

Lycee Installs Special Side Door for Mittingtons!

2007-09-25T11:04:00.000-07:00

Egad, those prying pappys are at it again. Their desperate daily storming of the Lycee Francais has ruffled quite a few feathers on the Upper East Side. In an effort to stave off the press, mon ecole has installed a special door just for yours truly! It even has the benefit of being located in the back alley where a nearby Sbarros illegally dumps its left over dough balls. The pre-school rat buffet is simply marvelous, although I have been forced to carry my own selection of condiments in my school satchel. I draw the line at three-day-old garlic sauce.

Ah mon amis! Mon tete simply swells with knowledge at this venerable institution. And all this time I thought I loathed the French but for their baking!

Au Revoir and Adieu
Monsieur Mittingtons

Mittingtons Mourns Marcel Marceau

2007-09-24T13:51:00.000-07:00

May I please request a moment of silence for the master of eternal silence, Marcel Marceau. I don't think I've ever told you about my days on the miming circuit. I say! The world of quiet clownery is a cutthroat enterprise. You really have to watch your back or the competition will sneak up behind you and encase you in an invisible box making one's masterful miming appear as classless clown cliche!

Marcel was different. Marcel was all about camaraderie amongst busking buffoons. He could never quite understand why even mimes abhor mimes.

God Bless.

Mr. Mittingtons Attendez L'Ecole!

2007-09-20T22:10:00.000-07:00

Bonjour mes amis et mon old chaps! Ah yes, it has been a harrowing summer vacation indeed. A non-stop "shit show" as the young people call it. I mean really!!! Who in their right mind plans a yachting trip with a cat?!? And then it was yours truly who got the beats when he almost clawed Zahara's eyes out when she tried to insist he go inner-tubing off the side of the boat. In a bonnet no less!

Never fear old chums! Mumsies dropped me off at the prestigious Lycee Francais in Manhattan yesterday. I have never been so happy, encased within the gleaming walls of academia! It is sure to be a glorious year!
Au Revoir,
Horace Mittingtons le Third

Mr. Mittingtons Returns... tomorrow!

2007-07-05T10:49:00.001-07:00

Old Chaps and Chums! It is I, Horace Mittingtons! I am right sorry about the lack of gossip blowing through this blog of late! You see, Mumsies, ever worried I might be corrupted by the media, has locked me in a sensory deprivation tank for most of the week. I say! Actually, I can't say, or see, or hear or anything. I have delivered this particular message by tapping morse code on the side of the tank with one outstretched claw... luckily, my dear friend Mr. Pookingtons was by my side and able to transcribe.

Woof to you all,
Mr. Pookingtons

I Wanna Zig a Zig Ahhhhh!

2007-06-28T10:47:00.000-07:00

My absolute favorite gaggle of girls is back! Although not quite girls anymore, more like women in their twilight years... but try to see past the wrinkles. Yes the Spice Girls are going back on tour! I would be sitting front row from LA to Buenos Aires were it not for the phone call I received this morning. You see, Melanie Brown a.k.a. Scary Spice, is a little worried she might not be able to get Eddie Murphy to babysit! So I have been called in as her understudy! What a jolly good treat!
Practicing my cartwheels,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Mittingtons Beats Lohan By A Whisker!

2007-06-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

My athletic prowess was seriously challenged yesterday by an unrecognizably healthy Lohan! What you see here is a picture of the weekly Promises foot-race, to which I was invited for the benefit of the lurking paparazzi. True to her reputation, Lindsay played it mean. Before we even heard the starting gun she had somehow managed to tie my shoelaces together, not to mention the 6 times she tripped me, and her repeated literal ass kickings. Like I always say, concentration and patience win a race, and in the end it was I, Horace Mittingtons, who crossed the finish line first, earning an extra serving of mashed potatoes at dinner.

Take that tubby!
Horace

Mittingtons Miffed By Min Magazine Placement!

2007-06-27T11:06:00.001-07:00

I must say, I was not even a little pleased to see that Suri Cruise somehow beat me to the top this week. Really! I will admit she is cute, but who would you rather cuddle? I find it irksome that I am suddenly counting my lucky stars that I even made it to the cover. What on earth has Tiger Woods' baby done? Does anyone even know its name? Its gender? I didn't think so. I just got off the phone with Kingston Rossdale, who til now has been a fore-runner of Hollywood cuteness. Let me tell you, he is more agitated than he was during last year's diaper rash fiasco.

Composing my letter to the editor,
Horace Jolie-Pitt

Nancy Grace Building Mini-Army of Self-Righteousness!

2007-06-26T07:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, the she-demon is pregnant. If you weren't convinced of her other-worldly, or rather under-worldly, status before, maybe twins at 47 will sway you. And I'm not convinced it's just twins either. Nancy Grace may be the first woman in history to purposefully try to conceive a litter. All part of an evil plot involving a hidden lair I'm sure of it.

Shivering in my boots,
Horace

The Heiress Is Out Of The Bag!

2007-06-26T07:08:00.000-07:00

Forgive me old chums if I am a little weary this morning, I was up very late last night, helping escort everyone's favorite inmate out of jail. Yes, she is out, as if you didn't know that already. I think the celebrity world must have felt a little darker last night, most every flashbulb and pappy poised for the money shot outside of Lynwood and her home. So put away your Free Paris paraphernalia, or better yet, cross out Paris and write Tom Sizemore as he will be trying his damnedest to plead down his 16 month sentence today.

Thinking I look mighty handsome in uniform,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Lack Of Gossip Sends Mittingtons Into Boredom Coma!

2007-06-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

My Word! I just woke up in County General after falling into a boredom induced coma! I have little recollection of the incident, except to note that the majority of trouble makers are still locked up, be it in rehab or prison, and everyone else's Hanky Pankys seemed to stay firmly in place this weekend. There is nary a soul creating havoc in Africa, no lusty men commiting statutory rape ( Colin Farrell's new one is young, but at least 4 years past jail bait), and not a single soused starlet has even broken a nail in a DUI for days!

Egad! What is the world coming to?
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Larry King's Old Age Hunch Means He Doesn't Have To Stoop Too Far...

2007-06-25T10:25:00.000-07:00

While Mums and Pops were spotted loitering outside of the Guggenheim in Bilbao this weekend, guess where I was? Why, dressed in a bonnet and being mercilessly pushed around in a pram by Zahara of course! I say! These people have a seemingly endless capacity to demean me!

On to more important news, someone has finally deigned to risk prison flu and interview the heiress herself. She is released tomorrow, so obviously every celeb-sploitation outlet in town was scrambling for the rights. Barbara Walters publicly declared the interview was beneath her. Lucklily for us, Larry King has hobbled up to the plate. Wednesday Night, be there or be forced to read about it on every blog in the universe and watch it in pieces on You Tube.

The above photo is from my as yet un-aired interview with the master. I do believe it was bumped because Jermajesty Jackson got his head stuck in a steering wheel, or some other such important news.

Too bad, the juicy tidbits were fascinating, as was King's containment of his Palsy-like shaking every time he heard the word Roll!
Horace

Maybe She Wouldn't Have Beaten Chachi Up!

2007-06-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

I say! TMZ is reporting today that Liza Minelli and Scott Baio had a love connection!?! Sources say that somewhere between banging Pamela Anderson and Heather Locklear, Scott Baio found time for the former Sally Bowles. Perhaps his one taste of perfection has left him ever hoping for more. I mean the man actually made the beast with two backs with Liza with a Z!

Dumbfounded and Jealous,
Horace Mittingtons

Pick Me! Pick Me!

2007-06-20T12:47:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Uber-stud Scott Baio has a problem. He is looking for love in all the wrong places. And so, the kind folks at VH1 have offered him his own love-finding fiasco. I have read it has something to do with lots of life-coaching. I say! What a waste of time! I know one mighty fine pussy who is ready and waiting to settle down with the man behind both Chachi and Charles!

Call me anytime Scotty Darling,
Horace

Mittingtons Hijacked By TomKat!

2007-06-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

Oh please! These Hollywood types treat me like a cheap callgirl they can simply rent out by the hour! In an effort to win back some public affection by seeming a little less creepy than usual, TomKat have taken to the very public shores of Cannes ( a few weeks late, no?). And they have enlisted yours truly, Horace Mittingtons the Third, to help pose in their family tableaus. I say! As if I didn't have enough on my plate. And will someone tell that ridiculous man that I don't like swimming!?!? I am a cat for godsakes, not a selectively ignored adopted child!

Sunburnt, but full of expensive Foie Gras and Chablis,
Mr. Mittingtons

Sally Kirkland to Levitate Paris Outta Prison!

2007-06-20T12:10:00.000-07:00

Some of you might remember Sally Kirkland as an up and coming young actress in films such as The Way We Were and Anna. Alas, the ravages of Hollywood sun and surgical malpractice have turned the once beautiful actress into a crazy old coot. Add the fact that she is not just a member, but a reverend, of the personality cult and religious corporation Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness, and what do you get? You get a woman who thinks Paris is hilariously brilliant and is willing to lead a protest to release her from jail. See here. I'm not sure where she found her protesters, although I'd hazard a guess that it wasn't at the gym...

Hoping Sally Kirkland adds a fetish for cats to her crazy resume,
Horace

Angelina's Newest Tattoo!

2007-06-19T10:43:00.001-07:00

My adoring adoptress has added new ink to her growing collection! It was inked onto her body using a cat claw attached to a hammer by Filipino master tattooist Binky LaRue. I'm quite fond of it.... obviously. What do you think?

Lohan Backs Out, Mittingtons Backs In!

2007-06-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

I was so rudely awoken from my slumber this morning by a frantic organizer from Pure Nightclub in Caesar's Palace. It seems Miss Lohan might actually have started taking her rehab seriously, deciding not to host a cocaine-fuelled douchebag-fest a few days after her release. Well, I say! Good for her! Unfortunately, someone needs to replace her as a host and it seems your's truly, Horace Mittingtons, is the Vegas go-to guy.

Anxiously awaiting donning my best party frock,
Horace

Mittingtons New Must Have Accessory!

2007-06-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

Egad! When did I become such a fashion trend? Miss Victoria Beckham was stopped by airport security trying to smuggle me on to a plane in her oversized tote! I'm all for travelling with Posh n' Becks, but you would think with their incomes they could afford to buy me a seat of my own! I do not take kindly to the underside of the seat in front or the overhead compartment thank you very much.

Waiting for Mumsies to pick me up at LAX,
Horace Mittingtons

Prozac, Not Guns, Responsible For Columbine!

2007-06-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

Ah dearest friends, where would we be without the psychaitric advice of alien-worshipping, Kirstie Alley adoring movie stars? I say! According to John Travolta I should be roaming the halls of some high school wearing a trench coat and ready to put a cap in the grade eight science teacher! Travolta is claiming that it wasn't guns that were the problem in the recent school massacres, but rather antidepressants. A thesis straight from Thetan, yes, but one that obviously made Marilyn Manson's record company very happy. All this time I was misled to thinking that it was a lack of prozac that caused people to get so depressed and angry they decided to kill their frenemies, and themselves. As of today I am flushing my prozac down the toilet and starting a fresh new regime of self-medication and vitamins....

Cleansed by Xenu,
Horace Mittingtons

Julia Roberts Births Baby Boy!

2007-06-18T16:05:00.001-07:00

Cigars all round! Julia Roberts gave birth to a little itty baby boy today! Notice the resemblance to Danny Moder?

Jolie Exhibits Super-Human Strength!

2007-06-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

The pappys shot this little number of me and mumsies and Zahara in New York this weekend. The trip was a total joy. Lots of time with mums, lots of prezzies. Everyone syas it shouldn't be possible for her to carry so much weight, when her body carries so little, but mumsies has arms of steel.

Je t'aime!
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Jon Stewart To Be New King Of Late Night?

2007-06-18T12:11:00.000-07:00

NBC is currently in talks with Jon Stewart, reportedly to snag him for Jay Leno's spot on the Tonight Show when his Daily Show contract expires next year. Ostensibly this will cost the network gazillions as they will have to sever ties with Conan O'Brien who was slated to fill Jay's chair. I for one am cheering this idea on. Just look at me! A nearly shaved little pussy. I'm so happy!

Mr. Mittingtons

Rosie To Be New Barker???

2007-06-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

Bob Barker, that demonic cat castrator, has named his fave for his replacement. No other than Miss Rosie O'Donnell. I'm all for it, I must say. Rosie could put the fire back in Plinko. And her cause is children, not the elimination of my species through cruel eugenics. I love it.

Still carefully guarding my crotch,
Mr. Mittingtons

Hail Be to Xenu! Tom Cruise To Become High Priest!

2007-06-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

Ah, the heavens work in mysterious ways. Everyone's favourite Scientologist zealot has finally reached the highest level of clear... whatever in god's name that means. One thing it does mean is that his highness Tom Cruise can now perform weddings! As a high priest of Scientology! And so he might do just that, for friend James Packer's wedding. James Packer, in case you're knowledge of Aussie Billionaire offspring extends only as far as Lachlan Murdoch (if that), is the son of the late Kerry Packer. Mogul extraordinaire and confidente of Tom Cruise. Lucky devil!

For a full catalogue of the creepiness of Scientology you can't do better than Rolling Stone's expose on the subject here.

Awaiting my invite as flower cat,
Horace

Nicole Richie Baking A Bun?!?!?

2007-06-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

You thought it wasn't humanly possible didn't you? A woman past the point of menstruation conceiving! But, according to that ever reliable source, Page 6, Miss Nicole Richie (soon to be Madden???) is with child. I say! And take a look at that fetus! Is it just me, or is Joel Madden going to be a very angry young man? Maybe he should start some lame-ass punk-style band to vent his frustrations.

Move over boys, Mittingtons is moving his way up the D-list,
Horace

Doogie Snaps Leg... Mittingtons To Blame!!!

2007-06-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

I have a secret to tell all. I was slightly miffed that Doogie Howser scored the lead in the new Broadway version of Xanadu, a role I have coveted since first I saw the ethereal movie. And so I stealthily made my way into roller-skating practice and made a well-timed little kick. Now Neil Patrick is all laid up with a broken leg, and I am next in line for the throne. See you on Broadway Baby!

No one tell me to break a leg please,
Mr. Mittingtons

Mumsies On The Daily Show!

2007-06-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

Mumsies made a lovely appearance with Jon Stewart last night. I tell you, if she wasn't my mother figure I might just have to seduce the woman! Don't you doubt for a second that I am up for the task! I say! We could have a stunning litter of our own... if only I still had my two old friends attached 'tween my legs.

Horace

Look What I Coughed Up!!!!

2007-06-14T11:44:00.000-07:00

The very thought of having to write yet another piece of clap-trap hogwash about the heiress in prison was making me wretch this morning. I started hacking quite severely actually, which given my excessive tongue-bathing yesterday was not all that unexpected. Thinking I was about to expel an average hairball I moved quickly to the most expensive carpet in the house (designed by Frank Gehry, woven by bloody-fingered Pakistani 2 year olds). And look what came out!!! I have to think of it as a sign, some sort of terrible harbinger of plague. Or maybe I will simply think of it as immaculate wombat conception. His markings disturb me slightly, but I figure if we dress him up in a party dress and call him Smilde, he might make a nice addition to the family. Representing Oceania yo!

Looking for a pouch in which to carry my new friend,
Horace

Guarding Mess!

2007-06-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan's ex-bodyguard is writing a tell-all about the pop tart that will supposedly reveal all of the dirty things we already know and read about on a daily basis. I say! I think it is pretty darn impressive that a man with the stature of a bodyguard may also have the mind of a literary genius. Either that or their is a rather lucrative ghost writing job on the market. Perhaps I shall apply! I would be sure to spice the whole thing up with some tawdry Victorian-style erotica. It has been far too long since anyone has used the word quim in a biography.

Ready For Next Summers Must-Read,
Mr. Mittingtons

Angelina Bans Press, Mittingtons Not Amused!

2007-06-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

Mumsies must be out of her mind. I think it has something to do with the fact that she only allows herself one bowl of rice gruel per gruelling day. Last night at her New York Premiere of A Mighty Heart, she banned the press from the red carpet! She also threatened to sue any reporters who dared ask tough questions. Not to mention the whole thing was supposedly a benefit for Reporters Without Borders. All ye who didn't take grade ten english please pull out your OEDs and look up irony now. This is the kind of irony Alanis Morrisette couldn't come up with, the real kind. I say! What a fiasco! And I ask you, why the hell did I bother getting up at 4 pm to press the creases from my Armani if no one was able to photograph it!?!?

Wondering If She's Finally Lost It,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Celebrity Designer Just Can't Keep His Hands To Himself!

2007-06-12T11:57:00.003-07:00

Egad! Paris Hilton, Joe Francis, and Tom Sizemore better watch out, there's a new inmate in town! Celebrity Fashionista Anand Jon was just arrested, accused of 3 counts of commiting sexual assault with a minor in Texas. Read Here. As if the other 46 outstanding criminal accounts against him weren't enough to make him keep his hands to himself. I say! Actually, I have little to say about this man's tastelessly evil lack of self discipline. Perhaps having the tables turn on him in prison will show him the error of his ways.

Mr. Mittingtons

I'm Not Sure About You, But I'm Nancy Grace's Number 1 Fan!

2007-06-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

O.J. Simpson,reeling off the near success of a never published book, is out in the press again, spewing his claptrap.Read Here. I say! What's all this about sensationalism regarding Paris Hilton? Doesn't this man realize he is basically responsible for all of the 24 hour news network hotheads that he so loathes? All I can say is thank god for O.J. and the Gulf War part 1 or we might not be so priviledged to have Tucker Carlson, Bill O'Reilly and Nancy Grace's opinions on life, liberty and the American Dream just a click away. And where would we be then? Eating bugs and living in caves. That's what I say.

Horace

Mittingtons Serves As Inspiration To Crazy White Ladies!

2007-06-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

Few people realize back when socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein could still make public appearances without causing children to scream and the elderly to drop dead in fright that she and I were the best of friends. Everything was Tip-Top and Hunky Dory, until one day at Bloomingdales when a saleswoman referred to her as my mother. I say! All hell broke loose. She was determined to show me up, even if it meant stealing my face, piece by piece, for her own. She has been almost successful don't you think? The only thing left to do is have her probiscus smashed in with a sledge hammer. If she ever gets shit-bagged wasted on daquiris at the Pink Taco again like she did last night, I'll volunteer for the job!

Release me from these bionic arms,
Horace

Paris Priming to Play Ping Pong in Next Olympics!

2007-06-11T13:34:00.001-07:00

Oh deary me! What a crying shame! Will someone please get this girl some moisturizer!?!?!?!?
Look at those arms, that chin! And obviously they have made her remove those extensions. Paris Hilton is surely going to the dogs in prison. But it's not all so bad. She has found God, realized she isn't as dumb as she acts, and discovered the magical sport of table tennis. And she decided to tell it all to the benevolent ears of Baba Wawa see clip.

Well, I look forward to playing a match with the heiress when she is released. What a larf it will be! She better work extra hard though, as I have never before informed her that I used to play the game with the Queen's own Buckingham Palace Table Tennis League!

Limbering up my wrists,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Nicole Richie Snorts It Like She Owns It!

2007-06-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I've been away from the old keypad all weekend old chums! Brangelina and brood were busy "Staying Home" all weekend, which means I was confined to a small box with air holes, through which terrible Maddox kept poking a dirty skewer stick. Blast!

Well, I have lots to catch up on today. The first thing that really caught my eye was Lindsay Lohan's former bodyguard dishing the dirt on Nicole Richie! I say! Did you know that Hollywood starlets were apt to do cocaine?!? And off a mirror in the living room no less! Blimey! And here I that oft escaping trace of white powder 'neath their noses was powdered milk they snorted for calcium.

Shocked and Awed,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Bringing Sexy Back... to Jail

2007-06-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

Well, in case you haven't been inundating yourself with TMZ.com all morning as I have had no need to, Paris is headed back to the slammer. I was given the very special task of wheeling her there, as she refused to walk claiming that her medical issues prevented it. Since when do depression and/or herpes cause loss of mobility? I say! What a lazy arse! Anyway, here I am taking her back to jail under the watchful eye of prosecuter Rocky Delgadillo!
What do you think of my outfit? It took me hours to choose!

Wheeling on to the Twin Towers correctional facility!
Horace Mittingtons

Hilton Cuffed and In Custody!

2007-06-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

Here is the footage of me throwing the heiress's ass into the squad car. Notice how I always stop to pose for the paparazzi, even if they are in a hovering helicopter? I'm just good like that, I know who my fans are. Notice Paris is not doing the same thing? Shame on her. I was later reprimanded for my rough treatment and tough talking. I'm on the side of the law, what can I say?

Paris Hilton released due to Herpes???

2007-06-08T10:13:00.000-07:00

Yes dear friends, according to my favorite gossip maven Lainey, Paris may have been released from prison due to a massive Herpes flare-up caused by stress. For those of you fortunate enough to have dodged that particular bullet in your sex-less lives, let me tell you. OOOOUCH. I still remember the blistering sores I acquired in Myanmar (then Burma) in 1962, a little stray minx I found behind a dumpster was to blame. Ah but it was worth it, the memories ease the pain.

Mittingtons Waiting Outside Paris's House!

2007-06-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

Breaking news! My dear friends at the L.A.P.D. have called me down to wait with them in front of the house of the heiress for her to be hauled back into court. I am expected to play the bad cop role, as no one in their right mind on this particular police force wants to do this anymore.

What I do for the sake of gossip
Horace Mittingtons

Call Me McFurry!

2007-06-07T23:05:00.001-07:00

Well, Isaiah Washington has officially been sacked from Grey's Anatomy! So who should call your's truly, Horace Mittingtons, but the show's creator Shonda Rimes. Seems they are looking for someone with a little more of a feline quality to fill the shoes of Doctor Burke. They are even going to bring back Chris O'Donnell aka McVet to reprise his role, and double as my doctor! I think my character might come down with feline AIDS during the sweeps.

See you in September!
Mr.. Mittingtons

Booze Powder Makes Mess of Mittingtons!

2007-06-07T17:14:00.002-07:00

Oh Dear Lord! What will they think of next? A group of Dutch students has invented powdered alcohol, which can be legally sold to minors, and, incidentally, cats. I decided to take the stuff for a test run. I mixed up a good lot of the powder with some frozen, from concentrate, Hawaiian Punch. I believe they usually call this concoction a Planter's Punch but I vote that it should be re-christened Punch Horace in the Face! Egad! My head is pounding, and I woke up with a strange tattoo on my left buttock! Luckily I usually keep my posterior hair-covered, or I would be in for quite a lot of embarassment.

No, my face isn't squished because I fell on it,
Horace Mittingtons

Ball Buster Retires!

2007-06-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

Finally! After 35 years of his evil television regime, cat castration's biggest advocate, Bob Barker, retired. So many of my bretheren have fallen victim to the scalpel and the bucket-head because of this fanatical preacher. And so I found myself shedding a tear of joy as he bid adieu yesterday morning. I must say I will miss his savvy Plinko commentary though.

Still feeling phantom testicles after 50 years,
Mr. Mittingtons

Paris Sprung from the Joint!

2007-06-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed I was not blogging a lot yesterday. It was a very busy day, nary a moment to spend screenside! You see Paris Hilton was released from prison after serving 3 days of her 23 day sentence. The official story
is medical reasons. And as yours truly, Mr. Mittingtons, was the one called in for his expertise, I can vouch for that, if medical reasons include prison's unfabulousness, feigned suicidal thoughts and an extreme need for a stiff drink. Ms. Hilton is desperately ill. We wheeled her out of the prison on a gurney and immediately hooked her up to an iv of vodka, red bull and percocet.

Paris is now under house arrest, she will not be allowed to leave the 100 room homestead of her parents for 40 days! And she has to wear a horrendously bulky ankle bracelet, the un-hipness of which is already making her despondant. I tell you, someone should get Marc Jacobs in to redesign these things!

Nurse Mittingtons

Aniston! Hiss!

2007-06-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

My word! Will Jennifer Aniston stop at nothing to get her mug on the rags? My sources inform me that she has been spreading word around the taco bars of Malibu that she and I are dating! Have you ever heard a more ridiculous yarn? Well, I have, from my Grandfather, the Late Horace Mittingtons the first, but he was cursed with feline dementia and so it was forgivable. Perhaps Ms. Aniston is suffering from the same fate? I'll know for sure if she soon starts walking in circles and missing the litter box. Lord almighty, I feel as sullied as a used tissue.

Reeling from rumours,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Mittingtons Comforts Sobby Simpson!

2007-06-06T11:48:00.001-07:00

Yes friends, you heard correctly. John Mayer and Jessica Simpson have broken up again. I don't really care for the pop tart all that much, I find her rather babbling and insipid, but I did feel the need to take a few minutes from my busy schedule to cuddle up with her. Everyone likes a cuddly kitty, Simpson is no exception. Next on my list Laurie David and Kate Hudson. My, my! What is it about June and break-ups? I'm just hoping mumsies and pops manage to stick it out!

Tally Ho
Horace Mittingtons

Posh Camel Toe Traumatizes Mittingtons!

2007-06-05T14:41:00.001-07:00

Egad! What in the name of everything that is good and wholesome is that monstrosity??? It looks like you could use it to hold your rhinestone clutch, should you need to free up your hands to accentuate your sublimely starved waist.
I don't care how badly you need the attention Posh, no one wants to see that!

As for why I am dressed as Macauley Culkin... well someone had to detract from Ms. Victoria Beckham's panty swallower.

Mr. Mittingtons

Tom Sizemore Arrested!

2007-06-05T12:40:00.000-07:00

Dear friends, Tom Sizemore got arrested this morning.
Which goes to show you that my prayers are never answered!
Something about cats not being worthy of religion or some other namby-pamby claptrap! The venerated thespian behind such classic films as Passenger 57 and Paparazzi is now behind bars awaiting further instruction. All because of some methamphetamine and non-prescribed prescriptions!?!? What on earth is Holly wood coming to?

Yours in utter disbelief,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Akon's Boy-Hurling Not First Incident!

2007-06-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

I say! In case you haven't read about falsetto-crooning rapper Akon getting up to mischief by tossing a boy from the stage yesterday, here it is.
Not that this came as much of a surprise to yours truly, Mr. Mittingtons! Here is a photo taken at an Akon show I attended in May. I suppose my readers may find it shocking, but I am a true Akon fan, and so when opportunity knocked, I answered. I hurled my whitest pair of tighty whiteys up on stage for the star to have a gander. Blimey! My knickers had barely left my paws when I was being escorted onstage by an entourage. All so that Akon could have the cheap thrill of hurling me back into the crowd! Without panties no less!

Still nursing a sprained ego,
Mr. Mittingtons

Paris Hilton Stamps License Plates... Mittingtons Lapses into Wine Coma!

2007-06-05T11:43:00.000-07:00

Ah, what can I say! I am just like everyone else, I have my off nights. Last night, I discovered this excellent new game
and the rest my friends is a blur. The game involves Paris Hilton stamping licence plates in jail, there is even a little dog in prison fatigues. I was stamping my heart out, and yet, I kept making mistakes. So I pulled out a bottle of merlot, to ease the pain of my poor hand-eye coordination. Sipping and stamping, not a good combination!

My eyes have glazed over and I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome in my wrists!
Mr. Mittingtons

Kate and Owen Split!... Again!

2007-06-05T11:04:00.001-07:00

Oh deary me, my old chums Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have announced that they have once again split. They didn't give the press many clues as to why, and they have said they intend to stay friends. But yours truly, Mr. Mittingtons the Third, believes he knows why. Seems Kate's affection for me was driving the Butterscotch Stallion wild with envy. We had grown rather close over the past few months, I would attend premieres with her (the photo here was a bit of an awkward lark, as neither of us knew he would show up!). In return she gave me a cozy place to sit and as much fried liver as I could muster.

You should have seen the fit Owen pitched the night he came home an found I had curled up, and massively shed upon, the suit he was planning to wear to the Kid's Choice Awards. I cannot abide a mantrum my dear friends, so I scratched him across his crooked mug.

Poor Kate, I will have to drop by and console her with a litle extra purring today!
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Scary Spice Supposedly Births Mr. Mittingtons!

2007-06-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

Oh for heaven's sakes! Can't these c-listers just leave me alone already! O.K. magazine is currently running this cover in Britain. Well... I've never! Imagine, yours truly, the offspring of such washed up parents? I hardly think anyone will even pick up this piece of claptrap from the newsstands but the slander irks me nonetheless. I think I should have mumsies and pops sue for damages and libel... And can these ridiculous magazine editors please stop referring to me as a girl? I know I am missing a couple of key pieces of equipment but really...

Mr. Miffingtons

Happy Birthday Mumsies!

2007-06-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

My dear Angelina turns 32 today! I have taken it upon myself to plan a surprise party just for myself and mumsies. No point in inviting the other rugrats, they have no appreciation for fine wines and party games!

How Horace Loves a Penis Joke!

2007-06-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

Ah! I found myself all a twitter watching Sarah Silverman slam a nearly tearful Paris Hilton.

Penis Bars! I say! The raunch should appall me, I am too much of a class act for such dirty humor. And yet...

Paris's Prison Hell!

2007-06-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

I have a few sources at the L.A. county women's prison, and no, I will not reveal their names to the likes of you! What kind of journalistic integrity would that exhibit? They have been phoning me incessantly all morning (I say! What happened to the days of limited phone calling in jail?) to say that Paris has made it into her cell. She has been disoriented and incredulous at her situation. I believe this is the denial phase. The other inmates are taking bets guessing when it will change to rage. Everyone is hoping that before her already shortened sentence is shortened even further that they will get to witness Paris take on resident pugilist Thin Lizzy in a boxing bout. Despite her nickname, Lizzy is anything but thin, and I'm suspecting that everyone is just heartlessly hoping Paris leaves the joint with two black eyes and a set of cauliflower ears.

Keeping my ear to the ground in the name of gossip,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Mashed Potato Burial for Dog Eater!

2007-06-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

Oh, that dog-munching rascal Marc McGowan is at it again. This time, instead of feasting on one of my chums in the name of animal rights, he plans to be buried alive in mashed potatoes, for no specified reason. Something tells me that this man may be riding the coat tails of his own 15 minutes of fame.

Nursing a healthy skepticism towards the art world,
Mr. Mittingtons

Giraffrobats! You Have Me To Thank For Them...

2007-06-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

Ah, those useless celebrities decided to take the weekend off from doing anything interesting. Come on people! Someone pull their panties down and forget to un-powder their nose! Alas, I still find it hard to tear myself away from the computer and relax, I am far more dedicated than most of these Hollywood types. So I thought I'd fill the requisite space with a tale from my colorful past.

I bet you didn't realize I used to be the giraffe trainer for the Ringling Bros. circus did you? I was solely responsible for the experimental giraffrobatics troupe. We had a glorious time touring the country, performing feats of marvel and mirth. Oh how the people swooned! I would have happily stayed on forever were it not for an unfortunate incident involving an escaped Siberian Tiger with a chip on his shoulder and my entire troupe! Limbs torn asunder! I say! I relive the day in my nightmares to this day...

Call me Ringmaster Mittingtons.

Danny Bonaduce I Really Didn't Need To See That!

2007-06-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

I've been told that I should get out more, spend a little less time burying my own feces in the litter box and a little more time mingling. I was beginning to believe there was some truth to these words, my paws grow more dried with each obsessive cleaning. So last night I went out to an event entitled "Bros Vs Hos". I thought it would be the kind of classy event that all the A-listers run to, I was wrong. I never thought I'd get to see Danny Bonaduce in such a tight little get up, and now that he has burned my eyes out with the image, I think I'll never see anything again. See Video Here.

I learned a few things though. First, there are no losers in bros vs hos, just 3 bitches who have to leave the stage. And second, women will do anything for the promise of a free labia ring.

Back in the safe haven of my litter box,
Mr. Mittingtons

Lesser Baldwin In Hospital Post Bull Mishap!

2007-06-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

My dear friends, my dispatch from the set of Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge is tinged with a tear of sadness. You see, dear old jesus-loving Stephen Baldwin had an unfortunate accident yesterday and was sent to hospital. Seems Buffy the Bull was tired of his preaching, bucked him straight to the ground. I say! That boy can moan! I myself broke a shoulder and some ribs back in 82 whhen I was run over by some asshole in a golfcart. But you can bet your bottom dollar my mewling has nothing on Baldwin's bawling. Leif Garrett was similarly busted up the other day but he did what any self-respecting, non-god-fearing, washed-up-idol would do, he swallowed a fistful of Oxycontin with six swigs of JD and got back to humiliating himself.
Good Show!

Not worried, as cats always land on their feet,
Cowboy Mittingtons

Mr. Mittingtons Slated To Play Dumbledore!

2007-06-01T00:14:00.001-07:00

With all of today's hype about the Harry Potter theme park in the works, I thought it might be fitting to release this photo from the upcoming Harry Potter movie. This is from my screen test to play Dumbledore. Don't you just love CGI? It makes me feel large and bullish and ultra-maculine.

Hogwarts Bound,
Mr. Mittingtons

Mittingtons Paints Mansion Red With Hillary Clinton!

2007-05-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

Ah, excuse any typos my friends, I had a bit of a rollicking evening last night! Hollywood Wunderkind Brett Ratner threw a party for Hillary Clinton. It was marvelous, really the who's who of entertainment. Everyone was there: Jeremy Piven, RZA, Kevin Smith, Eric Dane, Pauly Shore and yours truly. Can one be more A-list? I think not.

The only downside was waking up this morning in a pile of Piven puke with a rather scantily clad ex-first-lady in bed beside me. MEOW!!!

Still trying to figure out what happened post-midnight,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Breaking News! Twits Abound On Ebay!

2007-05-31T10:15:00.001-07:00

I say! As if yesterday's money mongers weren't bad enough trying to fetch a pretty penny with the wreckage from Miss Lohan's car, this twit is trying to sell the grass she uprooted! That's right! A grass divot! Well I've never...

He says:
This is the real deal. Have and grow Beverly Hills Grass in your own backyard! Grass Divot from Lindsay Lohan's DUI Car Accident. I am a press photographer and was one of the first on the scene. notice the grass divot in the first photo on the sidewalk. Soon after I brought the grass divot to my car. THe police came to investigate the crime. Notice the divot missing in the police photos shorly after. SO not only can you grow Beverly Hills Grass in your own back yard you can also Thank Lindsay Lohan for creating for you. Good Luck. I have it soaking on a sponge so it stays fresh.

Lohan Loves Hillbilly Heroin!

2007-05-31T10:08:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems that Ms. Lohan's esteemed father has crawled out of his jail cell to make a statement to the press. Seems Lindsay is addicted to Alcohol and Oxycontin and needs serious help. At least according to the man who hasn't seen her in two years. I've been spending some serious time with Lindsay, although of course I can't say much, you know these pesky confidentiality laws. I can tell you, whatever she is on causes her to be extremely amorous towards yours truly, Mr. Mittingtons.

Covered in pink passion lipstick and in dire need of a good licking,
Dr. Mittingtons

Mr. Mittingtons Mixes a Mean Cocktail!

2007-05-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

Few people realize that it was I, Horace Mittingtons, and not Andrew Ridgely who founded Wham! with George Michael (or Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou as I know him). In the end I was forced to leave the dynamic duo due to a bad case of mange caused by groupie exposure. George was left no choice but to replace me.

Today's news regarding the cocktail of drugs found in Michael's system after he passed out at the wheel last year comes as no surprise to me! In fact it was yours truly who invented said cocktail, I call it the Filthy British Panty Dropper.

The recipe:
2 capsules prozac
16 drops liquid GHB
7 TBSP cannabis, ground to dust in a coffee grinder
2 oz Malibu
2 oz Blue Curcao
Dash of Angostura Bitters

Shake well and serve over ice, garnished with a hairball.

Still suffering the flashbacks,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Mr. Stinky Eaten By Rabid Performance Artist!

2007-05-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

I say! I'm beginning to wish I had eyes in the back of my head! My dear old chum Mr. Stinky certainly didn't. He was just minding his own business sniffing out the scent of stale urine, when performance artist Mark McGowan snuck up behind him, minced him with onions and ate him!
All in the name of radio stunts and animal rights or some claptrap like that.
And he was abetted by no other than Yoko Ono! I have to say, I was on Yoko's side when she broke up those dastardly Beatles, but her participation in this cold-blooded feasting on my friend has really diminished my respect for her. Couldn't she simply write a terrible poem about eating a dog?

R.I.P. Mr. Stinky, may heaven hold a smorgasbord of meat pudding and snausages,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Janice Min Hearts Horace Mittingtons!

2007-05-30T13:41:00.001-07:00

Excuse my inflated ego, but yours truly, Horace Mittingtons the Third, finally made it onto the cover of US! Yes, that much feared and equally lauded queen of trash Janice Min sniffs out a story like a drug dog on Lindsay Lohan's car. I'm as pleased as punch with it all, really, although I do feel the need to correct a few glaring errors. It is not my birthday, nor am I technically a girl, despite my neuter status I still prefer my birth gender, male. I say! Perhaps I should apply for a job as a fact-checker at US magazine, I'd get the place ship-shape in no time.

Officially in the Big League,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

I Say! That's Bull!

2007-05-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

I was just starting to relax into my accomodations at Promises, Malibu, when I received a frantic phone call from a casting agent for CMT. Seems they are putting together a new reality show that is basically Bull-Riding With The Stars.
They already have the services of former-teen-idol-turned-junkie, Leif Garrett, washed up rapper, Vanilla Ice and the venerable Stephen Baldwin but they were looking for an everyman of sorts to round out the group. That's where I come in. I say, I think it will be a jolly good roustabout with the lads! And I have quite the fighting edge as I used to be a pro on the rodeo circuit... but that's another story.

Wish me luck pardners!
Horace the Kid

Mittingtons Starving to Be On C-List!

2007-05-30T11:04:00.000-07:00

That Nicole Richie! This is the invite I received to her memorial day barbecue. I know it says no girls under 100 lbs, but I thought since I am an unfortunate neuter I should play it safe. No Fancy Feast or Pounce for weeks! And I shaved my body hair just to accentuate my newly bony physique.

Ah but it was all for naught, you see, Angelina was feeling a little threatened by my new powerhouse bikini bod so she locked me in the bedroom for the entire day. Never fear, I showed her! I scratched the living shit out of her 1000 thread count sheets. Ha! Never mess with Mittingtons.

Elephants in Hats are Dashing.... To Say The Least

2007-05-29T23:56:00.001-07:00

I was just reading the news about the island of elephants found in Sudan. These chaps are very industrious, I must say. I know this first hand as I used to work as an Elephant Haberdasher during the Vietnam War. It is very difficult to craft headwear for such gigantic beasts, but they sit through the fittings with a smile on their faces. I realize that the scientists who discovered these elephants are not releasing their coordinates for fear of poaching, but I do hope that every single one of them is splendidly outfitted with a hat, like the ones you see here. It does so much for their self-esteem.

Dashingly Yours,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Put Me Down You Aniston-Loving Fool!

2007-05-29T23:49:00.000-07:00

Ah dear friends, since I am currently in Malibu helping La Lohan, I thought it might be nice to go for a stroll with my dear old chums the Cox-Arquettes. No one saw it fit to mention that she would be there. I say! Don't people even remember the t-shirt craze of 6 months ago? I'm team Jolie-Pitt goddammitt! Aniston has no place in my paparazzi photos.

Seriously Miffed and hoping Angelina doesn't read the tabs,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Mittingtons to Play Melfi to Lohan!

2007-05-29T12:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Chums, as you know, I am not one to leave friends in the lurch. Which is why, very late last night, I allowed myself to be packed up in my terrible little cat holder and shipped in the luggage hold of American flight 107 straight to Malibu. Yes, Ms. Lohan has checked into Promises Rehab and the wary staff pleaded with yours truly to bring his expertise to the situation. You see, I was deeply involved in the psychaitric LSD experiments of the late 50s, but I'll save those flashbacks for a later date... Regardless, it was a unanimous decision amongst those working at the facility that I was the only man for the job. So here I am! We had our first session this morning and obviously Lilo has a ways to go. I do believe she was trying to seduce me! Yes me! Horace Mittingtons the Third! I say, this might be quite the case of pussy against pussy.

I am burying my nose in Freud's On Narcissism and Beyond The Pleasure Principle.

Desperately searching for answers in hopes of a Mean Girls 2,
Dr. Horace Mittingtons

OC OD?

2007-05-28T23:02:00.000-07:00

I say! I heard word Mischa Barton was rushed to hospital due to an unfortunate combo of alcohol and antibiotics. Purrrr- haps.... but I did take this picture of her at a nightclub in Cannes a few days back....

Horace Mittingtons 007

Never Fear Lindsay! Horace Mittingtons to the Rescue!

2007-05-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

Ah my friends. It was Horace Mittingtons' favorite kind of weekend. The sort that involves little pop tarts recklessly endangering their own lives and the lives of others. I thought I'd start with a letter that I composed (in long-hand on foolscap as my dear old computer met its unfortunate demise on Friday) to send to Miss Lohan after she crashed her car into a post and was caught with a "do-able amount" of cocaine in the car.

Dear Ms. Lohan and all your tarty cohorts,
Allow me to introduce myself, I am Mr. Mittingtons. I would like to pose a question to you that I hope you will be so kind as to answer. Why on earth don't you take a few bills from the piles beneath your mattress and hire a chauffer? It seems foolish for a woman of your public stature and obvious lack of self-control to be driving herself around town.

I, Horace Mittingtons the Third would like to volunteer for the job. I used to ferry the Kennedies around pre- camelot, and I am quite handy with a stick. And with me behind the wheel, if you feel the urge to flash your pussy to the pappys I can just roll down the window and do the work for you. You can pay me in clotted cream and china white.
Meow! I look forward to nights spent out front of les deux waiting for the nectar of your insides to coat the back seat of my limo.
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Maddox Jolie-Pitt... Spawn Of Satan?

2007-05-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

I am currently issuing forth this particular dispatch from a rather seedy internet cafe in the lesser known skid row area of Cannes. You might ask why I would do this when I have a perfectly good laptop of my own. Your answer is, I do not! That dastardly child Maddox thought it a spelendid idea to practice his hammer skills on the screen of my beloved machine. Pushing rapscallionism to new heights. I say! After much caterwauling and some threatened scratching, Mumsies promised me a new one, but only after I cleaned my litter box... what the hell do we have maid service for? And, as there is no Best Buy in Cannes, I will have to wait until
Monday.

So old chums, have a glorious weekend. And lets just hope nothing too sensational happens this weekend.
Your Unintentional Luddite,
Mr. Mittingtons

Mr. Mittingtons Thought He Loved Faye Dunaway.... He Was Wrong!

2007-05-25T13:39:00.001-07:00

Nothing fuels my rage more than unauthorized petting of Mr. Mittingtons. Do I come up to you and run my claws through your hair and tickle you under the chin and altogether humiliate and disgust you? I think not! But humans, especially crazy ones, are terribly rude. Yesterday after being hounded incessantly all afternoon by the razzis I finally got a minute to enjoy a buttermilk biscuit and a Sanka with my dear friend Trevor. Who should interrupt our bonhomie but a very riled up and screaming Faye Dunaway. Nattering on to her assistant about a missed flight loudly enough that I do believe the apes of Gibralter were rudely woken from their afternoon siestas. The silly old twit obviously hasn't eaten a morsel of food in years. A word from the wise, the anorexic look is best saved for those with supple skin which clings nicely to the bone! I was tempted to offer her a bite of my scone, but before I had the chance she was standing over me, extending a bony little hand to pet me! And that's not all! The woman was wearing surgical gloves. In the near summer heat of the French Riviera. The next time I am over at her house I am going to spray her couch.

Chinatown is officially off my favorite movie list!
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Look Out Hasselback! Here Comes Horace Mittingtons the Third!

2007-05-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

I say! These Hollywood types have no respect for sleep. Much to my chagrin an early morning telephone call pulled me from a reverie involving a cute little tabby, a ball gag, and an all you can eat tuna salad buffet. It was Barbara Walters.
"Howace! We need woo!"

You see, it turns out Rosie is gone from the View for good, she isn't even going to fulfill the last three weeks of her contract because if she has to see on Elisabeth Hasselback ever again she will be forced to poke her own eyes out with a fork. Never fear loyal View fans, Mr. Mittingtons won't dissapoint. I can be terribly foul-mouthed if provoked, and I am terribly fond of completely contadicting myself. Plus, I hear from a source that cat dander makes Elisabeth Hasselback break out in welts. I have put away my Head and Shoulders.

Meow,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Call me Mr. Miffingtons

2007-05-25T01:27:00.000-07:00

Thank you to anonymous who sent me this piece of the View I missed due to my monocle fogging up. Look at how that woman from Clueless snubs Lady Hasselback. I say ! Quite a performance. P.S. Mr. Mittingtons is rather sauced right now. Who left the Chablis out? Angelina, that's who.
Arsh Kanarsh,
Mr. Horace Mittingtons the Thidlkj

Do you think Mr. Mittingtons Could Pass For Michael Jackson?

2007-05-24T12:29:00.000-07:00

Well I've never! The prince of Brunei is turning the ripe old age of 25 and he has decided to spend 14 million dollars on his party! Don't get too excited yet, partygoers. There will only be 4 million left to actually buy the food and drinks and harlots after the prince forks out $10 million dollars to Michael Jackson just to show up. He's not even going to moonwalk. A load of Bollocks, that's what I think.

yours in abbhorance of the expenditures of arab royalty,
Mr. Mittingtons

Brangelina Springs Mr. Mittingtons!

2007-05-24T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well old chaps, your comrade Mr. Mittingtons was finally released from his prison this morning. Les Amis des Chiens are certainly not les amis des chats, no matter what Francoise at the front desk might tell you. I was feeling terribly worse for wear, and really needed a hot toddy and a milk bath, but mumsies and pops had different plans. They took three of us to the park to mug for the pappys. I say! You might not be able to see it in the picture, but Maddox is actually biting the back of my skull. This child is insufferable. Soon he will probably see fit to put me in a bonnet and parade me about in a pram. And you can bet your bottom dollar that super-duo will do nothing but cheer him on! I am beginning to miss the quiet solitude of my cell.

Yours in Irritation,
Mr. Horace Mittingtons the Third

I told you! The Idol is Jordin Sparks!

2007-05-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

Well everyone was at the Kodak Theatre tonight: David Alan Grier, Jerry Springer, Jennifer Hudson, the guy from The Shield, that insufferable twit from Everybody Loves Raymond, even the Hoff sobered up long enough to stumble to his seat. Everyone was there.... except of course, yours truly, Mr. Mittingtons. Brad had all his Ocean's Thirteen interviews to attend to... and Angie, well, I'm not sure about old mumsies. She just announced she was taking a year off to be with her children, and yet still I languish behind bars! Someone call the bloody UN ambassador!

Anyways, luckily my cellmate is a delightful little fellow named Mr. Pookingtons, who kindly traded the last of his beloved milk bone flavored tobacco to Smitty in exchange for a loan of his television. Mr. Pookingtons old chum, I salute you! And Randy Jackson did have the courtesy to call before broadcast.
"Who's gonna take it Mr. Mittingtons, man? Call it!"
Call it I did

The night was no dissapointment. Mark my words, it was a singing spectacular to rival only the finest production of CATS. What with that fellow from Aerosmith rocking the guitar with Sanjaya, the Divine Ms. M, Tony Bennett, and Mr. Mittington's favorite, Gladys Knight. Did you know I used to be a pip? I bet you didn't. See for yourself Woo woo! Oh the tales I could tell, but this day belongs to Ms. Jordin Sparks.

Congratulations! When I get out of this prison I will be sure to buy 1,000,000 copies of your single with mumsy's Black card.

Does anyone watch Prison Break? Is it a how-to show? I think I need some help.
Cheerio
Inmate # 36709867

Coley Laffoon Could Be Mr. Mittington's Biggest Fan!

2007-05-23T15:34:00.000-07:00

Hello old chaps! I was just perusing the newswire that is TMZ.com and guess what I discovered!? A new twist in the divorce proceedings of Anne Heche and Mr. Coley Laffoon. Seems the chap "plays ping-pong, backgammon, poker, and views pornography online" all day instead of being the Super Dad he claims to be. Hmmm.... I'm thinking he has been mesmerised by the erotic efforts of yours truly, Mr. Mittingtons. I'd have to agree that I am enough to enchant even the most puritanical optic nerves. MEOWWWW!

Note to Mr. Laffoon, I am available for a game of table tennis any time, just gie me a dingle-doo if you're up for it!

Lustily Yours,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Sheryl Crow Must Be Dreaming!

2007-05-23T13:25:00.001-07:00

Caveat Emptor! When this issue of OK magazine hits the line-up at your grocery store, don't be fooled by their cunning connivery! Trying to convince the world that yours truly has been adopted by Miss Sheryl Crow. I say! Sheryl Crow might be a perfectly nice dame but her loyalties lie on an opposite plain to mine. She is most definitely Team Aniston. And you all know which team I play for!

Yours in consternation,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

Guess What!? I Like Facts!

2007-05-23T12:31:00.000-07:00

Oh how Horace adores a cat fight! I was quite the prize fighter in my day, punching pussies left and right, let me tell you.... but I had nothing on these folks. Now I must say that it is hard for dear old Horace to pick a side between the Loud-mouthed Fat Lesbian and the cute little puritan girl. I say we should settle this once and for all with a vat of jell-o and some string bikinis. Who's with me!!!!

To quote Rosie:
"If the enemy are innocent civilians, I don't want to play that kind of football." Mr. Mittingtons agrees, he hates football.

Porky Mittingtons To Be Slimmonized!

2007-05-23T12:01:00.001-07:00

Blimey! I have been informed by Mumsies and Pops that I am looking a little round at the edges. These two know nothing of the virtues of a happy cat. Believe me, the camera really does add ten pounds, these two are nothing but skin and bones! To hazard a cliche, they really do remind me of the bean poles I used to aid me in my farming days, but that's a different story isn't it...

And so, much to my dismay, I have been subjected to the training tactics of Celebrity Fitness Guru, Mr. Richard Simmons. I say! My muscles have never felt so lithe... or so painfully cramped. I have been rendered weary from hour long training sessions, six times a day. And to top it all off, my ears seem to be bleeding. Richard Simmons makes a lot of noise for such a little man. I might have to scratch his eyes out.

Pray For Me
Mr. Horace Mittingtons the Third

Brangelina Dines For $250,000 Each, Mr. Mittingtons Eats Fancy Feast Off A Paper Plate

2007-05-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

Bet you didn't know they had Doggy Daycare in Cannes! Well, they do, and yours truly isn't amused. Early last evening Mums and Pops debriefed the baby sitter on what macrobiotic foodstuffs to feed the children. Zahara only eats organic eggplants farmed in the same latitude in which she was born. Pax is still partial to fried silkworms from his native Vietnam, so Angie had the help whip up the faux, tempeh version. Shiloh eats only the nectar of the Goddess herself. And that awful Maddox insists on gold spun like sugar and served on a solid silver cone. Well I've Never!

I couldn't help but notice that my name had been carelessly left off the list. I tried to get mumsies attention, but she simply pushed my on to the tiny ornamental balcony and left me there for dead. Turns out they had other plans for yours truly. Doggie Daycare! Yes, you heard me correctly, I said Doggie... not Kitty. It has a quaint name like Les Amis Des Chiens, but it is certainly anything but quaint. I just had my anus sniffed by a Great Dane named Smitty who said he was thinking about making me his bitch. I say. Someone send the Fire Brigade! This pussy is certainly up a tree!

Yours in Trembling Fear,
Horace Mittingtons the Third

If Mr. Mittingtons Could Dial A Phone, He'd Vote For Jordin Sparks

2007-05-22T21:21:00.000-07:00

I say! Quite the performance. I was terribly upset by the departure of Melinda Doolittle, but perhaps Jordin Sparks can fill the aching gap in my poor little heart! And to top it off, Paula Abdul pulled off her broken nose with barely a twitch, and the top part of her face obviously helped this, being frozen perfectly in place. I only wish my vetrinarian could perform such miracles... I bet you didn't know I used to have a long and lean snout! Smashed in by a runaway calliope player back in my circus days.... but that is a different story.
Meow and Goodnight
Mr. Horace Mittingtons the Third

Katee Holmes is Mr. Mittingtons' Alter Ego!

2007-05-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

I say! I've caused quite a stir! You see, I was fooling around a little on the internet, looking on a few of my favorite sites at all their young talent. And I was thinking to myself, "I could do that!"
And so after much consideration, yours truly, Mr. Mittingtons, decided to make my own fortune in pornography. I named myself Katee Holmes, in homage to my favorite Dawson's Creek actress. Notice how clever I was? I changed the i to an e and now even the son of Scientology's legal team can't get me. I think I'm going to be rich. What do you think?

I've sent my picture into all of the little production houses. I think my addition of the stuffed chicken adds to my sex appeal immensely.
Wish me luck ragamuffins!
Cheerio
Horace Mittingtons The Third

Paula Abdul's Nose Broken By Chihuahuan Scum!

2007-05-22T17:11:00.001-07:00

Many people don't know of my many successes in the world of dance. I have soft-shoed my way across all the stages of Broadway and Drury Lane in my day, but my favorite had to be the time I spent with Dance Wunderkind Paula Abdul. How we danced! And how we drank. Paula prefers Pinot Noir and Pimms, a drink I call the Bloody British Bastard.

That is why I am saddened to announce that Paula has flattened her pretty probiscus by tripping over the leashes of her terrible little mutts! My condolences Paula! I do hope you'll make it to the Kodak Theatre tonight to see Jordin and Blake duke it out. Without you I fear that American Idol may run the risk of crossing over into low-brow mainstream entertainment.

Maddox is Cambodian for Tail-Puller

2007-05-22T17:10:00.001-07:00

I am writing this entry locked away once more in my dastardly little box. I am beginning to see a pattern here. Lately I have been let out for little more than the occassional Paparazzi fiesta, an endeavor I am told brings millions of dollars to children worldwide. The problem being, Mr. Mittingtons loathes children.

But this is not the largest of my troubles, dear friends. I have been informed that I am expected to take the Jolie-Pitt name as my moniker. Horace Jolie-Pitt. I lobbied with my new parents, pleading at least to be known as Mr. Mittingtons Jolie-Pitt. I almost had them too, my compelling arguements coupled with my melodic purr and a little legs rubbing seemed to have the arguement strictly on my side. And then...

Maddox. That evil little mohawked beast. Foiled my plans as usual. He piped up saying that the rest of them had been re-christened upon entering the household and to be fair I should also undergo the same psychological upheaval. My purring has nothing on this child's tantrum stomping. This morning I was informed by Ms. Jolie that she would be renaming me Ajmal Babr Jolie-Pitt, which means something like beautiful cat in persian. I say! Blimey! What claptrap!

I am currently trying to remove myself from this box by scratching a hole in the plastic. Alas my claws have been rendered bloody and raw, and no progress at all has been made. Please help me. Meow.

Yours in peril,
Mr. Horace Ajmal Babr Jolie-Pitt Mittingtons the Third

Brangelina Adopts Horace Mittingtons the Third!

2007-05-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is true, Brangelina have graciously opened up their home to a new arrival from across the pond. Yours Truly! I can't say I've ever been so giddy with anticipation as I made the short trip from London to Cannes this morning (Brad and Angie and the kids are all here, promoting Angie's new vehicle, A Mighty Heart). My dashing new parents picked me up at the airport and I was thrilled, although I was a little saddened that only one of my new siblings deigned to make an appearance (Little Zahara, I've always thought you were the cutest!).

We're currrently staying at a grand hotel that serves spit-fired mice topped with the most delicate Bearnaise I have ever laid tongue upon! Unfortunately. I have found myself locked away in a box in a box after an incident that surely was not instigated by yours truly. That spoiled brat Maddox, not only pulled my tail, but also poked me six times in my bad eye! I, of course showing utmost reserve and restraint, kept my scratches of self-defense strictly below that oft-photographed little mug. The problem with these Hollywood types, nothing is ever good enough! I hope to make amends tomorrow by offering forth hairballs to each and every member of the family as a token of my appreciation. If that doesn't work I shall simply have to mark each of them as my territory.

Toodle-oo old chums, til tomorrow.
Horace Mittinngtons the Third